Logging onto this blog again feels so bittersweet. I've missed this space so much; it's been so hard to strike a chord between writing here so often that I feel like it's another task to be completed and not being here at all. I feel like I've missed so much time - so much time to record what we've been doing, learning, saying, etc. It breaks my heart. Finding a sense of balance has always been hard for me; this place is just another sign of that fact. Lord, please let me teach my boys how to find balance in their lives.
I'm very emotional today, anyway. It was Zach's first full day of school today. Two little boys are in school full time. I've been wanting and needing a break from the parenting grind for so long; now the day has come, and I'm filled with so many mixed emotions. I know it's normal; I just didn't anticipate how sadly I'd feel. Sending my baby off to school for the whole day was so hard! Not knowing if he was feeling okay or not; not being there for him if he felt scared or sad; not being able to give him a reassuring hug for 6 hours; just not knowing. Trusting someone else with his care. Feeling so guilty that I didn't go through this process with Gabe. And knowing and admitting that I wasn't strong enough to even go there with these feelings back when Gabe entered Kindergarten. I guess I've also never been really good with change. And going from a full time mom to a mom of two school-aged boys is much harder than I envisioned.
Despite the sadness that I feel and the trepidation of returning to this space, I had to get here to record the positive events of this huge day. Most importantly, the send-off for both boys went really smoothly (and it was really nice to have Auntie Auntie there with us). We walked calmly up the hill to the school, and Zach waited patiently for his teacher to bring him inside. He seemed more comfortable today, which was reassuring. And when I picked the boys up at the end of the day, they both reported that the day was "awesome."
Zach quickly told me that when he waved to Gabe (where they sit and wait for parents to pick them up at the end of the day), Gabe went right over to him and sat with him. Hearing this made my heart swell. Gabe proudly reported that when he saw Zach sit down, he said to his "best friend, Christopher: excuse me, Christopher, but my brother just got here, and I need to go sit with him." I am so happy for both of them - that Gabe protected and watched over Zach; and that Zach was cared for by his big brother. Over the course of the afternoon, I got more information about their days from them. Hearing Zach share about his day seemed to allow Gabe to open up more, for which I felt so grateful (he typically doesn't share much about his day, even with gentle prodding). I'm also grateful for my ability to stay present for the boys this afternoon and evening.
Lastly, I had to share how much Gabe continues to shock me with his intelligence. We are reading Charlie & The Chocolate Factory right now. Kudos to Jason for buying this book for Gabe - it's been a fun, light read (after Little House on the Prairie). Anyway, we've talked about kings and queens in the past, and I've told Gabe before that some countries still have kings and queens who are in charge, rather than presidents. Tonight, Charlie & The Chocolate Factory mentioned kings and queens and Gabe acted surprised to hear about them. When I reminded him that we've talked about kings and queens, he asked why the countries don't have presidents. When I explained to him why, his response was, "you mean they haven't evolved as much?" Seriously? Evolve? Not only does he "get it", but he also uses such a mature word, in its correct form! I mean, that is pretty remarkable for an almost-seven-year-old, right?
